Where do I go from here?

How come we always want the things we can't have? If we're in school, we want to get out, if we have a low paying job, we want one that pays more. I truthfully just don't know where to go from this point. It's been over a year since I graduated from college and now I'm ready to go back and it's not in my immediate future. It could take years before I am able to go back. The truth is, I just don't know who I am without school in my life. I know it sounds ridiculous but, funnily enough, school was what got me through the hardest part of my life. When I went through an emotionally troublesome time, I found solace in writing and literature. I love English and I love being in an environment where I talk about literature, where I have to write papers- I just love being in school. It makes me feel like myself.
If you read my blogs, you know that I complain alot about how hard things are for Robert and I financially. Right now we live with my parents, which is really generous of them and they take good care of us, but we're married and ready to start our life together in our own place. I'm stuck in a situation where I can either choose to live at home for several more months, or Robert and I could move out this year, but I may not be able to go back to school for a long, long time.
They say after planning a wedding, you lament over not having to plan a wedding. Well, for me, I lament over not writing papers and reading books. I feel empty and honestly, aside from how happy I am to be married and for how lucky I am just to be with Robert everyday, this past year and a half has been one of the most miserable years I've ever endured because it's the first time I've not been in school.
I suppose this is one of those moments I go from being a child to an adult. Where I have to acknowledge that sometimes, you can't always get what you want, and that when you're just starting out in life, you have to take what you can get. It sounds negative, and truthfully, I've always been such a positive person. But right now, I'm struggling to be positive.

Starting Over

I'm taking this blog in a slightly different direction. Yesterday I spoke with one of my editors about voice. And I realized I don't really know what my voice sounds like. There are nights I've driven myself crazy trying to write, and I realize now, that's because I'm trying to produce what I think they want versus what I write. Turns out I don't have to do that, but I do have to figure out what I sound like on paper. So this blog provides a way for me to experiment with my voice.

Yet alongisde starting over with my writing, I'm starting over with my life, too. I tried out a new position in sales that. . . well, didn't go so well. And what I learned was that it wasn't the right career fit for me. But I also realized that I can't escape the allure that my college past has left behind. I miss that environment. And it turns out the school setting is where I do my best work and feel the most like myself. I love school, I love reading literature, I love discussing literature, I love writing, and I love waking up with a coffee and going to class. I love EVERYTHING about it. . . okay, minus the homework part. And when it comes down to it, I want to go back.

I question whether or not I have what it takes to be an English professor. But that's where I see myself going. Maybe not at the University level, but definitely at the Comunnity College level. So that's the next step I suppose. I will be working my way through college. But as eager as I am to start, like, tomorrow, I'm going to wait until after my wedding. Because, let's face it, I love, love, LOVE, wedding planning :-). So I want to enjoy every minute of it without any distractions.

So I feel good. I feel right about this decision and the direction I'm going. I KNOW that while I'm doing it. . . it's going to be so rough. Living paycheck to paycheck, having NO time for myself. . . haha, yeah you get the idea. But I really do love school, so I know that the juice is worth the squeeze (that one's for you Robert;)).