Where do I go from here?

How come we always want the things we can't have? If we're in school, we want to get out, if we have a low paying job, we want one that pays more. I truthfully just don't know where to go from this point. It's been over a year since I graduated from college and now I'm ready to go back and it's not in my immediate future. It could take years before I am able to go back. The truth is, I just don't know who I am without school in my life. I know it sounds ridiculous but, funnily enough, school was what got me through the hardest part of my life. When I went through an emotionally troublesome time, I found solace in writing and literature. I love English and I love being in an environment where I talk about literature, where I have to write papers- I just love being in school. It makes me feel like myself.
If you read my blogs, you know that I complain alot about how hard things are for Robert and I financially. Right now we live with my parents, which is really generous of them and they take good care of us, but we're married and ready to start our life together in our own place. I'm stuck in a situation where I can either choose to live at home for several more months, or Robert and I could move out this year, but I may not be able to go back to school for a long, long time.
They say after planning a wedding, you lament over not having to plan a wedding. Well, for me, I lament over not writing papers and reading books. I feel empty and honestly, aside from how happy I am to be married and for how lucky I am just to be with Robert everyday, this past year and a half has been one of the most miserable years I've ever endured because it's the first time I've not been in school.
I suppose this is one of those moments I go from being a child to an adult. Where I have to acknowledge that sometimes, you can't always get what you want, and that when you're just starting out in life, you have to take what you can get. It sounds negative, and truthfully, I've always been such a positive person. But right now, I'm struggling to be positive.

The buzz of anticipation and hope

The hardest part about job hunting is finding a position that you would love to have. I know, you're thinking to yourselves, why is that the hardest part? However, it's at that moment that you get so eager to apply and so anxious for the position, that your fingers slip around the keyboard and your heart starts pounding the moment you click the submit button. It's not so much that you're nervous, but that you are so excited about the position you can hardly wait to apply . . at least, that is what it's like for me. I just submitted an application for a job that I would love to have! I've barely just applied and already the buzz of anticipation and hope is keeping me hopping around the room like a child before Christmas day. So I return to my first statement, the hardest part about job hunting is finding a job you really want, because the moment you hit submit you're giving so much hope and anticipation into a position you may not get. Granted, if the position doesn't work out, there will be others and I have to remain positive that there WILL be others. Better yet, if I don't get the position, that means it just wasn't "the one." But it's hard to willingly set yourself up for possible rejections over and over again. In-fact, it's kinda like dating, you kiss frog after frog until finally one turns into a prince. So I suppose if I look at job hunting the same way, I can remain positive. Afterall, I found Robert, which only means eventually I have to find my charming career too. . . right?

Feeling like myself again

I'm finally researching what it will take for me to get back into grad school. It's funny because up until this point I haven't felt like myself. The moment that returning to school came back into the horizon, I'm feeling more like the person I know I am. What is good about that is now I know that I'm heading in the right direction career wise. Before when I'd choose a new job it just never felt right. If I wasn't stressed, I found myself struggling to want to go to work. But with school I'm itching to go back- in-fact, I'm already trying to work on a paper that I hope to turn into a thesis when the time comes. The only bad side is, I'm terrified I'll start researching grad school and realize it's not something I can afford to do. I'm counting on financial aid and scholarship options, but from my understanding thats much harder for grad students. Then there's the GRE. . . and all I can say about that is I'm an English major for a reason. The math just might kick my behind. Why they have to test you so many times before you can go to school is beyond me anyways. But I'm hopeful this is the start of my return to school. I am beyond ready!

The Waiting Game

The hardest part about trying to develop a career is the waiting game. Right now, I feel as though I'm in career purgatory. I don't have the experience to apply for the jobs I find interesting, but I don't have the funds to continue my education either. Don't get me wrong, I really like the job that I have now. I enjoy working in an office environment, but I'm also ready for a career. I'm just not sure how long it will take me to find that career and if, at this point in my life, I'm capable of obtaining it. It seems being a graduate in a difficult economy means playing the waiting game. We're all doing what we can, where we can to get one step closer to our dream careers. But right now, all we can do is be patient, and hope the little steps add up and get us where we need to be.

You can't always get what you want. . .

When you're in college all you can think about is getting out. You count down the days until graduation and the time when your life "begins." However, with the economy the way it is, there's absolutely nothing exciting about graduation. Over the past year, I've gone through several different positions (freelancing, sales, and copywriting) and I'm still struggling to find the right job. I'm not sure whether it's me- if i just haven't found the right passion since school - or whether it's the jobs, but I just can't find the right career.
Now, more than anything, I'm wishing I was back in school. It's the only place I've felt as though I belong and that I excel at my work. I made straight A's and I was always so excited to go to class. Yeah I was stressed and there were nights I was scared I wouldn't get everything done, but somehow, I always did and it felt incredible! I wanted to work hard because I knew I was good at it and I loved getting good grades.
I'm scared I may never get that passion and determination back; that i'll never feel like i'm good at what I do again. Am I just incapable of growing up or is it that hard to find the right career?

Finally, a direction!

I got the internship! HURRAY! I'm extremely excited about the position and I think I'm really going to love the company and the work. So while it's nothing permenant for now, it's a huge relief, and it really helps to keep me positive. Now I feel as though I'm moving in the direction of something and that in and of itself is great!

Copywriting Internship

Well I had my interview for the internship today and it went well. I'm already scheduled for a second interview this Friday and I'm really excited about the opportunity. I just have to get past the next phase of interviews, which, there's apparently three people I have to talk to. I also have to pass a mock writing assignment which has to be done in 45 minutes. YIKES! But I'm still really excited and hopeful. It's with a great company and the internship can last for however long I want it to. There's no end date and if I'm good at what I do, they said they might, might, MIGHT hire me for a full time position. So I just have to go in and work my hardest and see what happens.

The only thing that makes me sad about it is Robert isn't here. If I got offered a full time job what would we do? He's three hours away and I miss him terribly. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to leave his new job in seven months. I know he'd never ask me to leave mine either. That's one of the remarkable things about our relationship. We truly respect eachother's needs. We'll see what happens if I get the internship, and later, if I got offered a job. Right now it's hard to be apart, but when we're married we've promised to move back in together. So, despite the fact I have to get the position first, I'm definitely thinking about what would happen if I was offered a career as I don't want to start married life without him here.